Blessings for Self Honor and Self Love

 

 

By Rhonda Courtemanche

 

 

I grew up in a family where there were five of us including my mom, dad and two brothers, one younger and one older.  Our family went on many fun outings such as camping in the summers, trips to the amusement park and the beach to name a few.  There were always fun memories of the journeys and not so fun memories especially if someone would get mad at another and yell.  This would always seem to put a damper on the trip and sour the joy.

                                             

As a young child what would hurt the most was when I would get yelled at for something I did.  And many times I did not feel that I did anything deserving of being yelled at.  The acts were very small like spilling milk at the table, forgetting to turn the lights out, slamming the door too loud or asking for something like needing a ride or wanting to go somewhere.  However, after a while I started to believe I must have done something wrong to be yelled at so much that I just accepted the punishment in the thought that I was bad. 

 

This then set the stage for patterning in my life where I tried to please and accommodate everyone in the hopes they would not yell at me or get mad at me.  I said yes to whatever the boss at work would ask me to do and even agreed with everything my friends or partners in relationships wanted to do; whether they wanted to go to this restaurant or do this or that activity.  I would always say yes and agree however if I mentioned an opposing idea or suggest another place to go to I would always be on “high alert” to their reactions.  If I got the slightest hint that they were not interested in my idea or suggestion, I would immediately turn the conversation back to their idea and say lets do what they wanted to do because I did not want to “rock the boat” and get anyone mad. 

 

There was always a fear in the background to most decisions I made.  Should I move here or there or apply for this job or that job, should I stay in this relationship or leave?  I doubted myself and my decision-making for the decisions I had made in my childhood seemed to be the “wrong” ones because I was yelled at for them.  Also it was especially difficult to make a decision if it involved another person.  What would they say?  Would they get mad?  What if they do not agree with what I say and so on and this is when I would usually try and figure out what the other would like to do. 

 

When one experiences a trauma in childhood, a conscious piece of self breaks off and moves into the unconscious.  What take the place of the consciousness is a non-physical entity along with an energetic machine that mechanizes ones consciousness and thoughts.  In my case the thoughts that became stuck in a repetitive machine loop kept saying over and over “I am bad”, “I did something wrong”, “I deserve to be punished”.

 

After the initial shattering, the entities navigating my field and consciousness learned how to accommodate others around them for they were in so much fear, they did not want anyone to get mad at them.  This created another layer of patterning of accommodating, pleasing others, being a doormat and not being able to stand in my truth.  These thought forms and patterning were not originally a part of my expression of self however with the loss of consciousness and the mechanization of self, I fell into a non-conscious way of living and being. 

 

In looking further as to why I fear some people, I noticed I was really in fear of the non-physical entities they held in their fields.  These entities were similar to the one’s I encountered in my original fracturing as a child.  I had lost my power, information, chi, dream and love to these beings and in meeting up with them again in others, I would go into the fractured part of self and relive the fearful moment of being shattered by these entities and re-experience the energetic patterning of long ago. 

 

My energetic field would shrink and I would take a lesser position in the conversation with another to let them know that I knew they were more powerful, I was lesser and would not become confrontational and go against their wishes.  This is when I would agree with another’s decisions even if I did not wanted to do it or agreed with it.  I also allowed these beings through another to take what they wanted so they would not hurt me.  They usually took my power, chi, breathe of life and dream puffing themselves up more and more which would cause me to react by contracting my field more and more.  In the contraction parts of self turned inside out and my field became unstable spiraling into more and more energetic problems.

 

I did not understand why my field was so unstable and focused on repairing it, erasing old genetics and bringing in more magnetic ones as well as clear my karma with those I encountered.  Many times I would go on a wild goose chase point fingers at others blaming them for my situation.  “They are shattering me, they are doing this to me, they are taking this from me” and so on.  I did not realize that I was the original catalyst that attracted the dance to me.  I provided the other person with my power and chi to puff up against me.  I had made agreements and bargains with their non-physical entities to take what they wanted so they would not hurt me.  I reacted to their bullying by contracting my field more and more until I could not stand being in my field and body that I went ungrounded to escape.  No one was doing anything to me that I had not agreed to upon some level.

 

The instability of my field was also due to turning parts of self inside out and creating feelers to sense what another person was thinking or feeling.  I would blend with their field, consciousness and emotional body and make decisions based on what I sensed or felt they wanted to do.  In the enmeshment, blending and through the tethers, a vast amount of energetic problems would set off in my field for I was wide open in the connection to others.  I also would track another’s entities and even have feelers and attachments out to them so I could sense their wants and wishes trying to “please them” to avoid being shattered.

 

It has been a long road to understanding these patterns in order to create more stability, wholeness, balance and peace in my life.  The first concepts I had to alter was my view of self; that I was worthy of not being shattered repeatedly and I deserved to be loved.  In my earlier journey of awakening I went to a therapist and did a lot of journaling.  I remember every night before going to bed the last words I would write in my notebook would be “Love Yourself”.  After a few months of writing this I started to look at where I allowed others to step all over me and started to change this.

 

I began to explore each layer of thought form and patterning that repeatedly looped around and around in mind during my daily interactions and encounters with others.  I started to erase these thought forms, retrieve my power from others and stand up for myself.  I believe I was also collecting up fractured pieces of self from childhood although I did not consciously make this intention at the time.

 

A turning point in my life was when I stood up to a superintendent at a school system I taught in many years ago.  I had been a music teacher in their elementary school for five years and bent over backwards to do a “good job”, to be accepted and to make the principal, teachers, parents and children happy.  I put on elaborate concerts, musicals and plays, stayed after school every day for rehearsals and was burning myself out due to my own patterning and script of pleasing others so they would not get mad and shatter me.

 

With all the work I did, I was acknowledged by the principals, teachers and superintendent of the school district by being nominated teacher of the year.  I was told about this in the fall at the beginning of the next school year.  The superintendent asked me to fill out the paperwork and application for the state level to run for state teacher of the year and represent the district.  The application was about twenty pages long, it required eleven written essays and the deadline was in seven days. 

 

My body went into panic and fear.  The new school year had just started, I was very busy and did not have time to fill the application out, nor did I want to.  I found out that he knew of this application back in the spring and could have given it to me at the end of the school year so I could have had time to fill it out all summer.  I was confronted with my fear of not getting this superintendent mad and with patterns and thought forms of pleasing and accommodating others that I decided to fill out the application.

 

What happened in the next five days was that my body and field became so unstable, ungrounded and fractured that one night I was admitted into a hospital for a few hours for I had a severe migraine, vomiting and my body would not stop shaking, maybe a panic attack.  I was given two injections which eased the pain and stopped the internal discord that I was able to calm down and was released.  The next morning I called the superintendent and told him that I would not be filling out the application.

 

Standing up for myself by saying “no” was the first step in honoring myself, loving myself, accepting myself and having a sense of some self worth.  I began saying “no” to people when they asked me to do something I did not want to do.  I started going within and asking myself would this make me happy or bring me joy if I were to do what they wanted.  If the answer was no I told them so.  There was still fear, thought forms, patterning and parts of self still needing to be collected up however with each decision I made based on my own wants, wishes and internal knowing I retrieved back my power from others and their non-physical and began to love myself.

 

This turning point happened thirteen years ago and it has taken many many years to map out the entire dance.  Patterning so engrained in one’s biology, genetics and ancestry may take a while to release and transcend.  However with every step forward and with much focus, one can work oneself out of any difficult core foundational patterning and into more wholeness that may not have been experienced in one’s extended tapestry of ancestry for a very long time.  In the wholeness there is a sense of freedom, accomplishment, fulfillment and a return of self worth, self love and hope.

 

At the recent intensive in Fairmont Hot Springs, a song was played to anchor global thought form called “Sacred Grounds”.  During the first listening of the song the group heard the words to mean honoring and treating the land with sacredness and honor.  However it was brought to our attentions that “we” are sacred grounds, our bodies are sacred grounds and we should let no one violate, harm or destroy us for “we are sacred”.  This hit home for me and has allowed much non-thought form and old patterning to be sloughed off so I may stand more in my truth as a creator and command my reality from a place of sacredness, honor and love of self.

 

There are many nature kingdoms you can call on to assist with transcending patterning of worthlessness and lack of honor and love of self.  The water buffalo kingdom offers blessing for “non-judgment and self worth” and the elephant kingdom offers blessings for “self acceptance and self love” while the seal kingdom offers blessings for a return of “sacredness and honor”.  In working with these kingdoms you will find much support, guidance, love and wisdom to assist in your continued journey and transcendence.

 

Many blessings for the return of self honor and self love!

 

Namaste,

Rhonda

 

Rhonda enjoys supporting others on their journey and can be reached at danceoffreedom@earthlink.net or consultations@ascendingtruth.org. You can also visit her website at www.ascendingtruth.org.

 

 

 

 

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Copyright 2007 Rhonda Courtemanche